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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24929647">What Pays All Debts</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/KandiSheek/pseuds/KandiSheek'>KandiSheek</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers Family, Death Dates, Endgame Fix-It, Fate, Fix-It, Getting Together, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt Tony, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Maria Stark's A+ Parenting, Marks, Minor Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Pepper Potts &amp; Tony Stark Friendship, Pining, Protective James "Rhodey" Rhodes, Slow Burn, Temporary Character Death, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 01:22:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,852</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24929647</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/KandiSheek/pseuds/KandiSheek</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>No one is supposed to survive the date written on their skin. And yet Tony's numbers keep piling up.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Steve Rogers/Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>119</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>291</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey guys! The first chapter of this has been sitting in my WIP folder for-fucking-ever so I think it's about time I write this puppy down. I first read about the concept of death dates in the fic 'Eagles' by spqr. If you haven't read that one yet please check it out, it's Stuckony and it's absolutely brilliant.</p><p>I'll upload a new chapter of this every Friday so I hope I'll see you there next week! Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy the first chapter!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Maria was still awake when her alarm went off at midnight. She reached out and delicately turned it off, throwing back her covers to put on her robe and slip into her house shoes. Jarvis was already waiting for her in the hallway, giving her a polite smile as he bowed.</p><p>“Good morning, Mrs Stark. I have taken the liberty of preparing a cup of tea for you and the young master.”</p><p>“Thank you, Jarvis,” she said tiredly. “Did you use the cup I told you to?”</p><p>“Certainly, ma'am,” Jarvis said with one more bow. “Would you like me to wake the young master or do you wish to do it yourself?”</p><p>She waved him off, starting down the corridor to her son's room. “I'll get him. Please tell the rest of the staff to prepare everything as discussed.”</p><p>“With pleasure.”</p><p>Maria took a moment to fix her hair in one of the hallway mirrors before she knocked on her son's door. “Tony? Are you up?”</p><p>When no answer came she hurriedly pushed the door open in a sudden wash of panic –</p><p>And saw Tony on his bed, still sleeping soundly with an open book next to him. Maria sighed, stepping closer to shake him by the shoulder.</p><p>“Tony. Time to wake up.”</p><p>The boy grumbled for a moment but when she kept shaking him persistently he finally opened his eyes, giving her a disgruntled look. It took a moment before he seemed to realize just who he was looking at but then he bolted upright, instantly awake. “Mom?”</p><p>“Yes, it's me,” she said impatiently. “We need to go. Now.”</p><p>Tony rubbed his eyes, still looking confused. “Where's Jarvis?”</p><p>“Making breakfast.” She waved a hand at him. “Come on. Up.”</p><p>Tony grabbed her hand with a frown, letting her pull him up and out of the room. “Where are we going?”</p><p>“I told you yesterday, remember?” she said as she led him down the hallway. “Today is a special day. We'll be together the whole time.”</p><p>Tony fell silent after that and Maria kept casting glances back at him to see if he was still following. He didn't seem to be feeling ill. In fact she couldn't see anything out of the ordinary so far. It didn't reassure her the way she wanted it to.</p><p>“Ma'am? Your room is as requested. Staff is on standby.”</p><p>Maria nodded at the maid, pulling Tony along in the direction of the living room when her eyes fell on the door of Howard's study.</p><p>Howard was most likely still awake, doing whatever it was that he was doing in there. <em>Probably drinking,</em> she thought bitterly before she pushed the resentment down. This wasn't the time to bring it up.</p><p>But.</p><p>She looked at Tony who was staring right back at her with wide, trusting eyes. If this was the last chance...</p><p>Before she could talk herself out of it she walked up to the door, pushing it open without knocking and herding Tony inside. Howard was indeed awake, sitting at his desk with his back to the door as always and not seeming very busy at all.</p><p>“It's time,” Maria said quietly, watching as Howard mindlessly flipped through his papers. Tony was fidgeting beside her but she was too tired to reprimand him.</p><p>Howard didn't turn around, didn't even look up, just reached out to take a sip from his glass. Gin again. And a half-empty bottle right next to it. Maria wrinkled her nose.</p><p>“Are you not even going to see your son?” she snapped, a flicker of anger sparking that came and went in the span of a second. She sighed heavily, hiding her eyes as she turned to leave the room, dragging Tony along with her. Jarvis was already waiting in the hallway, holding a tray with hot towels and the promised tea. She gratefully took her cup and drained it in one go as she walked towards the living room, still holding Tony's hand in hers. It shouldn't bother her, Howard's dismissive attitude, not when in a few hours it wouldn't matter one way or another, but –</p><p>“Mom? That hurts,” Tony whined and she paused, loosening her grip.</p><p>“Sorry, hun,” she mumbled, nodding at one of the guards as she entered the living room. Her shoulders only relaxed when Jarvis closed the door behind her. “Did you bring everything?”</p><p>“Of course, Ma'am.” Jarvis gestured at the tray behind him. “Three sets of meals, aluminum tray, paper plates, no cutlery.”</p><p>Maria nodded gratefully, handing her empty cup back to the butler and leading Tony over to the soft carpet she had ordered specifically for this day. All the furniture had been moved out, no sharp edges, no possible heights to fall from. The corners of the room had been filled in with foam as a precaution but –</p><p>“Remember what I told you, Tony?”</p><p>Tony sighed, scuffing his bare toes on the carpeted floor. “No touching the walls, no jumping, no running, bring nothing into the room.”</p><p>“Good,” she said, giving him a sharp look. “You didn't bring anything, did you?”</p><p>Tony averted his eyes, mumbling a quiet “No.”</p><p>Maria sighed. “Jarvis?”</p><p>Jarvis stepped forward, gently patting Tony down and retrieving two miniature cars and a screwdriver from his pockets. Maria gave Tony a disappointed look that made the boy flush with embarrassment.</p><p>“But I'll be bored!” he whined and she had to take a deep breath so she wouldn't start shouting. Sometimes the boy just made her want to pick him up and shake him.</p><p>“You promised me, Tony. I know you don't like listening to me but just this once I thought I could count on you to keep your word.”</p><p>Tony flushed an even darker red, his lip quivering, and Maria sighed heavily, dragging a hand down her face.</p><p>“Jarvis. Get those things back to his room, please.”</p><p>“Of course, ma'am,” Jarvis said, bowing out of the room with one last concerned glance at Tony. The door clicked shut, locks turning on the outside. She could hear the guards shuffling around as they got into position. No one but her was entering this room today.</p><p>“Mom?” Tony asked quietly and she smiled tightly at him, pulling him into the middle of the room so they could sit on the carpet.</p><p>“So, Tony. Would you like to play a game?”</p><p>Tony frowned. “What game?”</p><p>Maria could feel the smile slipping off her face as she fumbled. “Uh, I – I don't know. What do you and Jarvis usually play?”</p><p>“Cars,” Tony answered curtly and Maria nodded.</p><p>“Ah, yes, I see. And... is it fun?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Tony said, eyes on his fingers as he traced shapes into the plush carpet. The fringes didn't stay put.</p><p>Maria nodded, looking around the room for inspiration. She hadn't really thought about what to do once she was in here with Tony.</p><p>“Well, we could. Tell stories?”</p><p>Tony looked up at her in surprise. “You know stories?”</p><p>“Of course I know stories,” she snapped, then immediately regretted it when Tony flinched. “Sorry, I – What makes you say that?”</p><p>Tony fidgeted. “Dad always tells the stories.”</p><p>“Right,” Maria said a little bitterly. “He does, doesn't he.”</p><p>“You don't like Dad's stories?”</p><p>Maria looked at Tony in surprise but the boy just blinked questioningly. She pushed a lock of hair behind her ear and cleared her throat. “No, I do. It's just a bit... gruesome, hearing about war and death all the time, that's all.”</p><p>Tony seemed to consider that for a moment before he shook his head. “But it's Captain America!”</p><p>Maria froze, a tight smile slipping onto her face. “You like him, huh?”</p><p>“Yeah!” Tony said with conviction, as if the answer was obvious.</p><p>Maria chuckled wryly. “Well, I can't blame you. The way Howard talks about him... He must have been wonderful.”</p><p>“He's a hero!” Tony exclaimed, grinning widely. “When I grow up I wanna be a hero, too!”</p><p>Maria's face twisted. She could feel tears welling up in her eyes but quickly blinked them away. “Of course you do.”</p><p>Tony started playing with the carpet again and Maria let him, grateful for the reprieve. Even knowing that it was futile a tiny part of her still hoped that she would get through today without it ending in tragedy. But the date was seared into her mind the same way it was on Tony's skin, had been all these past years. And while she'd often prayed for it to never come and at other times to just get it over with, now she just wanted time to stop. To stay in this moment forever.</p><p>Because what she realized now was that she had never gotten to know her son at all. She looked at the meals laid out off to the side – Tony's favorites, Jarvis had assured her – and couldn't remember ever making a single one of them. She didn't know his favorite TV shows or movies, his favorite games or bedtime stories.</p><p>“Tony?” she asked quietly and the boy hummed. “Do you love me?”</p><p>Tony looked up, confused. “Of course I love you. You're my Mom.”</p><p>She took a shuddering breath. “Could you... say that again, please?”</p><p>Tony frowned. “Mom? Are you okay?”</p><p>“Just...” Maria grabbed Tony by the wrist and pulled him into her arms, hugging him close. She'd never done this either, she realized, and that thought finally made the tears spill over. “I'm sorry, Tony, could you just – say it again?”</p><p>Tony was stiff in her arms for a moment before he seemed to melt into the hug, his arms coming up to cling to her just as desperately as she was. “I love you, Mom,” he repeated, his voice small and hesitant, and Maria held him close as silent tears ran down her cheeks.</p><p>She didn't know how long they sat like this, only that Tony fell asleep at some point, twitching every so often in her arms. Maria must've nodded off too because when she opened her eyes it was light out and birds were chirping through the thick rubber bars that sealed off the windows. She sat up slowly from where they'd laid down on their sides, running a hand through Tony's messy hair.</p><p>“Tony?”</p><p>The boy groaned quietly before he sat up too, rubbing a hand over his face. “Mom?”</p><p>“Yes, it's me,” she said. “We should eat breakfast. Are you hungry?”</p><p>Tony immediately perked up, looking at the food in the corner of the room. “Yeah!”</p><p>Maria fetched the appropriate plates – paper, so Tony couldn't cut himself if he dropped it – and gave the sausages an approving glance. Tony stared at the food in bewilderment when she set one of the plates down in front of him.</p><p>“Where's the fork?”</p><p>“No forks today, honey,” she said and picked up one of the sausages with her fingertips. “See?”</p><p>Tony stared at her in something like amazement before picking up his own and taking a big bite, a grin breaking out on his face as he chewed. Maria felt a bit of pride swell in her chest.</p><p>“That's fun, huh?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Tony said enthusiastically, dipping his fingers into the egg with a furtive glance at his mother. When he didn't get scolded he giggled, scooping it up into his hand and lapping at it with his tongue.</p><p>Maria wrinkled her nose. Normally she would have said something but today she swallowed it down, letting him do as he pleased. This could be her son's last day on earth. She would try to make it the best that she could.</p><p>“Iff deliffouf!” Tony garbled around a mouthful of eggs, some of it falling back into his hand.</p><p>“Don't talk with your mouth full,” she said before she could check herself, immediately regretting it when Tony nodded meekly before swallowing.</p><p>“It's delicious,” he repeated more quietly as he picked up another sausage and Maria internally cursed herself for ruining the good mood already. She sighed, picking up a small piece of toast. She didn't really know how to keep this up the whole day. Maybe she could convince Tony to have another nap later or –</p><p>Tony choked. Maria's head whipped up to find Tony hunched over, eyes wide and gagging on something as he gripped his throat –</p><p>“Tony!” she shouted, scrambling to reach for him and slap him on the back. “Spit it out! Come on!”</p><p>Tony just kept making horrible choking noises like he couldn't breathe, tears running down his cheeks as his face turned red –</p><p>“Help!” Maria screeched, almost tripping on a plate as she ran over to the door, hammering on it in blind panic. “Somebody help! Goddamn it, open the door!”</p><p>The door unlocked and one of the guards looked inside, assessed the situation and instantly sprung into action.</p><p>“We need medical, stat!” he barked into his comm piece, running over to Tony to wrap his arms around him from behind and push. “Come on, boy. Spit it out!”</p><p>Tony didn't respond at all and Maria felt her stomach plummet when her son slowly went limp in the guard's arms.</p><p>“No!” she screamed, sliding to her knees in front of them to grab Tony's face. His lips were turning blue and his eyes were rolling sluggishly in his head, unseeing. “No!” she sobbed, slapping him in the face. “Wake up! Come on, Tony, wake up!”</p><p>“Ma'am –“</p><p>“Wake up! God damn it, <em>do something!”</em></p><p>Paramedics rushed in, pulling both her and the guard away from Tony. Someone immediately started CPR while another looked into his throat.</p><p>“We need to clear the airways,” he said and then Tony was in another set of arms and it only took one good push –</p><p>Tony sputtered and coughed as the piece of whatever was lodged in his throat came loose, letting him take a wheezing breath. Maria sobbed heartily, dropping to the floor when her knees suddenly gave out underneath her. She could only watch as the paramedic rubbed soothing circles into Tony's shoulders to help him calm down, his stuttering breaths the only sound in the room.</p><p>As soon as Tony finished coughing his face went frighteningly blank and he stopped moving beyond the soft rise and fall of his chest.</p><p>“Is he –“</p><p>“He's fine, ma'am,” one of the paramedics said and she nodded weakly, her heart still beating double time. God, he'd almost –</p><p>“Remove all the food,” she croaked. “All of it. We won't be having any more today.”</p><p>The paramedic gave her a disapproving look. “Mrs Stark, he needs to go to the hospital –”</p><p>“No!” she cried out, grabbing Tony's hand tightly. “He'll stay here. Where he's safe.”</p><p>The paramedic frowned. “All due respect, ma'am. Maybe it would be kinder to let him go gracefully.”</p><p>For a moment Maria wanted to lash out, to selfishly keep these last hours with her son to herself. But in the end she knew that all of this, the room, the medics, the guards, was pointless. None of it would stop destiny.</p><p>She stroked Tony's arm while another paramedic put a breathing mask over his face.</p><p>“I'm sorry,” she said quietly. “Please keep him comfortable.”</p><p>They carted him out on a stretcher that seemed way too big for his tiny body. Maria ordered Jarvis to go with him in the ambulance so someone would be there if – <em>when</em> Tony woke up. She couldn't bear the sight of him like this, in a hospital bed with tubes and needles sticking out of him. It would break her heart.</p><p>Instead she went to the kitchen and opened Howard's liquor cabinet. She didn't even read the label before she gulped down the first bottle she found, tears prickling at her eyes as it burned down her throat. The numbness helped and soon she found the bottle drained, letting it fall to the ground carelessly as she slipped down the fridge door. This was what she deserved. What kind of mother was she to leave her son alone on his dying day? A selfish one, that's what.</p><p>She threw up twice and didn't even bother cleaning up the mess on the kitchen tiles, ignoring the staff when they did it for her. They wisely didn't try to interact with her. It must've been evening already when someone finally walked up to her and picked up the empty bottle.</p><p>“It's over then?”</p><p>She looked up groggily to find Howard staring at the bottle with a pinched expression. A wretched giggle bubbled out of her. “Oh, now you care?”</p><p>Howard looked at her and the pain in his eyes surprised her. “Is it over?” he asked again and now she could hear the desperation in it. “Maria, please.”</p><p>“If you wanted to say goodbye you've missed your chance,” she said and felt a pinch of guilt at the way his face crumpled. She wasn't usually this cruel.</p><p>Then again her son wasn't usually lying on his deathbed, so.</p><p>“Where is he?” Howard asked quietly and Maria sighed.</p><p>“The hospital.”</p><p>Howard's head snapped up. “So he's still –“</p><p>“I don't know,” she said quietly, scratching at one of the kitchen tiles with her fingernail. There was a scrape there but she couldn't remember where it came from. “Jarvis is with him. I – I couldn't –“</p><p>She sobbed once and Howard pulled her into his arms, letting her cry on his shoulder even though she must've smelled disgusting with the taste of vomit still on her tongue.</p><p>“We always knew this would happen,” he said quietly but it only made her cry harder.</p><p>“Of course we fucking knew!” she wailed. “Four years, Howard! He never even got to go to school!” The way she was clutching at her husband was probably painful but he didn't complain. “I want my baby back, Howie, I want him back!”</p><p>She could feel Howard swallow back his own tears when he answered. “Me too, honey.”</p><p>It took a long time before she'd cried herself out and neither of them moved to leave their spot on the floor afterwards. They ended up leaning on the fridge shoulder to shoulder, clutching each other's hands and staring at the wall in front of them.</p><p>“We're terrible parents,” Maria said numbly and Howard snorted without a single shred of humor.</p><p>“Yeah, we are.”</p><p>She picked at a loose thread on her blouse. “Do you think it would've hurt less?” Howard turned towards her but she couldn't raise her eyes to face him. “If we knew that we'd done right by him? At least for a little while?”</p><p>Howard sighed. “I don't know.”</p><p>For a long moment the ticking of the kitchen clock was the only sound in the room.</p><p>“We should've given him everything,” Maria said quietly. “We could've.”</p><p>Howard lowered his head as his shoulders started shaking. Maria glanced over to find him hiding his face in his hands, his teeth gritted so hard that his chin wobbled. She put an arm around his shoulders to pull him in and he went willingly, letting out a painful sounding sob as he hid his face in her neck.</p><p>“Nothing we can do now,” she said and her chest felt hollow. The pain would probably return tomorrow and every day for the rest of her life but that was okay. She deserved it. “At least Jarvis is with him. He's always liked him better than us.”</p><p>“It shouldn't have been like this,” Howard rasped, lifting his head to look at Maria desolately. “We were so happy when you were pregnant. I always forget that. It feels like it's just been one fuck up after the other.”</p><p>Maria sighed heavily. “We always knew it would end like this.”</p><p>“We should've tried harder,” Howard said forcefully and she closed her eyes.</p><p>“We should have done a lot of things.”</p><p>They both fell asleep at some point, still leaning against each other on the kitchen floor. Howard's arms were wrapped tightly around Maria, his right hand tangled in her hair where he'd soothed her to sleep. They hadn't been this close in years.</p><p> </p><p>Maria startled awake when the phone suddenly rang, groaning at the crick in her neck. God, her head was killing her. She looked down to find Howard still asleep with his head in her lap and grimaced. What a pair they were, getting drunk as their son died in a hospital bed. She looked at the clock to see that it was six a.m. and the stab of pain was just as sharp as the day before. Tony was gone. For a second she couldn't breathe.</p><p>The phone rang again.</p><p>Her limbs felt like lead as she untangled herself from Howard and pushed to her feet, wincing at the pain in her back. She limped over to the phone and picked up, her voice still rough from the alcohol. “Hello?”</p><p>“Mrs Stark!” Jarvis. Maria blinked back tears at the familiar voice, holding a hand over her eyes. “I've been trying to reach you for hours!”</p><p>“Is he –?” She couldn't even finish the sentence but thankfully she didn't have to.</p><p>“I just spoke to the young master. He's awake!”</p><p>Maria froze. “What?”</p><p>“He started breathing on his own again. The doctor says he'll be free to go after they perform another round of tests.”</p><p>For a second she thought it had to be a cruel joke but the relief, the disbelieving joy in Jarvis' voice couldn't be fake. Jarvis was too good of a man to string her along like this.</p><p>“Mrs Stark?”</p><p>“Yeah,” she croaked, clutching the phone with white knuckles. “I'll – Jesus, I – Howard!”</p><p>She heard him startle awake. “W-whu?”</p><p>“We're going to the hospital!” she shouted, already running down the hall to find her shoes. “Get dressed, now!”</p><p> </p><p>It was a miracle, the doctors said. No one had ever seen anything like it.</p><p>Howard knew there had to be a catch somewhere.</p><p>Maria was still wrapped around Tony, sobbing into the poor kid's chest as the boy looked on in confusion when they dropped the bomb.</p><p>“He has another date.”</p><p>Howard's head snapped up to fix the doctor with a piercing look. “What?”</p><p>“I assume he didn't have it before, none of his records show it,” the doctor said, flipping through his chart. “It must have appeared at some point after his near death experience. Right above his first one.”</p><p>“Let me see,” Howard said, already moving over to coax Maria off the hospital bed and pull back the covers. “Come on, Tony, we need to –“</p><p>He sucked in a sharp breath, staring incredulously at the edges of a second black mark on his son's calf.</p><p>“Dad?” Tony asked in a small voice but Howard ignored him, grabbing his arm to pull him around.</p><p>“Turn over, boy, just – come on.”</p><p>Tony did as he was told, looking confused and a bit frightened as he twisted on the bed. Howard couldn't suppress a gasp when he saw the date.</p><p>“It has all the properties of a regular death mark,” the doctor said apologetically. “I'm sorry, Mr Stark.”</p><p>“Seventeen,” Howard breathed. “He'll die at seventeen?”</p><p>“What?” Tony squeaked and Maria quickly clapped her hands over his ears.</p><p>“Howard!” she hissed but her eyes were just as wide as his. “You can't – Oh my god, what are we going to do?”</p><p>Howard turned away, rubbing a hand over his mouth. This was insane. A miracle, they said. More like a nightmare.</p><p>“I don't know,” he said quietly, feeling sick to his stomach. Thirteen more years. Enough time to go to school, make some friends, maybe even fall in love. But it didn't change the fact that Tony still wouldn't be able to even start a life before –</p><p>Howard took a shaky breath. Just when he thought his son was saved he had to lose him all over again. What kind of a cruel fucking idea of a miracle was this?</p><p>Both Maria and the doctor were staring at him, clearly waiting for his reaction. But there were no comforting words, no ways to soften the blow. Tony would still die too young.</p><p>“Let's just take him home,” he finally said, more resigned than anything. “We'll figure it out from there.”</p><p>It wasn't until they were in the car, Tony asleep in Maria's lap, that she spoke. “Howie?”</p><p>“Hm?” he asked, staring out the window. There was a bottle of whiskey in the cup holder in front of him. He was trying very hard not to look at it.</p><p>“His date...”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>She swallowed heavily. “It's not that far... I mean, you noticed, right?”</p><p>Howard frowned. “What do you mean?” he asked, turning towards her. She looked terrible and he knew even before she opened her mouth that he wouldn't like whatever came out of it.</p><p>“It's not that far from ours.”</p><p>Howard froze.</p><p>December 16th, 1991. March 11th, 1992.</p><p>“Good god,” Howard breathed.</p><p>Maria looked about as devastated as he felt. “You think he –“</p><p>“No.” Howard could feel anger burn through his veins like never before. “No! He would <em>never</em> –“</p><p>“We don't know that!” Maria snapped, just as furious through her fear. “What if <em>we're</em> the reason he –“</p><p>“Mom? Dad?”</p><p>They both stopped cold and looked down at Tony who was staring at both of them with wide eyes, his hair rumpled from sleep. “Why are you fighting?”</p><p>“We're not, sweetie, it's okay,” Maria quickly hushed him and Howard had to look away, a lump in his throat that felt too much like guilt. He shared one more look with Maria over Tony's head. Judging by the emptiness in her eyes she knew exactly how he felt.</p><p>He reached for the bottle.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello again! I just want to say thank you so much for all the support this fic has gotten so far, it really means a lot! I hope you enjoy this chapter and I'll see you next Friday! &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Stark family tomb was very impressive. White marble, sleek but majestic with a huge angel statue on top. It had been Maria's idea, designed by some high end place weeks in advance. Their names were carved in stone, side by side in beautiful gold lettering. Only one death date underneath.</p><p><em>Tragically romantic,</em> someone said during the speech and Tony wanted to throw up in their face.</p><p>Howard was buried in the middle because of cause he was. God forbid Tony got the chance to escape his shadow even after his death. The right side of the gravestone was blank and Tony couldn't tear his eyes away from it, knowing that within a couple of months his own name would be added to the collection.</p><p><em>Two down, one to go,</em> he thought with a slightly hysterical giggle, ignoring the appalled looks he got from those around him. They could all go to hell. He'd done his duty, <em>dance, monkey, dance,</em> shake all their hands and thank them for coming as if Tony wanted them here, those opportunistic fucks. Who were they to judge? He was Tony fucking Stark and he could damn well laugh at his own parents' funer–</p><p>“Tony?”</p><p>Shit.</p><p>“Hey, Obie,” he said with forced calm, still staring at the grave. There was a click and a hiss as Obie lit a cigaret and offered it to Tony. He didn't take it.</p><p>“I'm really sorry, kiddo. There's nothing worse than losing family.” Obie took a drag and breathed the smoke out with a sigh. “Your parents were good people.”</p><p>Anger boiled up hot and sharp, a sudden urge to lash out making Tony's fingers curl into fists – but he pushed it down. This wasn't Obie's fault. It wouldn't be fair to take it out on him.</p><p>“Do you know what you're going to do yet?” Obie asked and Tony took a deep breath.</p><p>“I'm leaving tonight.”</p><p>“MIT?”</p><p>Tony nodded because that was the answer everyone wanted to hear, putting his hands in his pockets. “I want to finish school.”</p><p>“That's a good idea, boy,” Obie said and Tony barely suppressed a flinch when a heavy hand came down on his shoulder. It was almost enough to make him break but not yet – not yet – “And after?”</p><p>Tony shrugged.</p><p>“He left it to you, you know?” Obie said quietly. “The company. The mansion. All of it.”</p><p>“Great,” Tony said tonelessly and Obie sighed.</p><p>“I know you had your differences. And I know Howard, he... He never really seemed to care. About anything.”</p><p>Tony closed his eyes, struggling to hold it in, just a little longer.</p><p>“But if I know one thing it's that he always loved you.” Obie squeezed Tony's shoulder. “More than anything.”</p><p>Tony nodded jerkily. “Thanks, Obie.”</p><p>Obie patted his shoulder before he turned and left Tony alone with his parents. One of the swirls that made up his mother's name was crooked and it made Tony's fingers itch with the urge to scratch it off.</p><p>He hadn't even known. His parents had never shown him their dates and after dozens of evasive answers he'd eventually forgotten to ask. He'd chalked up their weird behavior the last time he saw them to the fact that his own date was coming up but –</p><p><em>How?</em> How could they walk out that door and not even let him say goodbye when they <em>knew</em> –</p><p>Tony took a shaky breath, finally turning away from their grave and keeping his head high as he marched across the grass. He walked until he was sure he'd lost any potential onlookers before he crouched behind the nearest bush, knees hitting dirt as his face crumpled and his chest seemed to cave inwards –</p><p>The tears flooded over, hot trails down his face as he muffled his choked sobs behind both hands, shudders wracking his body almost painfully. It didn't ease the pain, just gave it more room to grow, tearing through the numb shock he'd felt ever since that phone call, when Obie had said that he had to come home because Tony was an orphan now.</p><p>He wept and wept and when he finally managed to draw breaths that didn't hitch on sobs his whole body felt too heavy to stand, fatigue hanging over him like a smothering blanket. Tony had felt like this before, after some of Howard's worst benders when Tony had curled up on his bed and felt nothing, knowing that this numbness had the potential of swallowing him whole. He was almost tempted to let it.</p><p>Instead he stood up and walked out of the graveyard, his back straight, shades on, and not caring about the dirt on his thousand dollar pants or the cameras everyone shoved in his face.</p><p>Tony didn't care about anything.</p><p> </p><p>He barely remembered his second time.</p><p>Tony came to in the hospital with burning lungs and a cough that felt like getting stabbed in the throat. Rhodey was there too, angry tears in his eyes when he told Tony that “This stops now, I swear to god, Tony.”</p><p>The story, once he got it out of Rhodey, didn't shock him as much as it probably should have.</p><p>Apparently Tony had been at a party, snorting lines off pretty girls and still chugging beer after beer when he'd slipped and fallen into the pool. With everyone as shitfaced as they were it had taken some time for anyone to notice that he hadn't come back up.</p><p>“Ty pulled you out,” Rhodey said bitterly. “You weren't breathing. Someone called an ambulance and gave you CPR. They had no idea how to contact your family so they called me.”</p><p>“My family's dead,” Tony rasped and then giggled because through the filter of three lines of coke it was kind of funny. “They're all dead, Rhodey.” And now he was crying, great.</p><p>“Not all of them,” Rhodey said fiercely, grabbing Tony's hand. “You still have me.”</p><p>The nurse barely let Tony recover before she barged into the room with a bunch of leaflets and colorful brochures. She made a big speech that sounded too well-rehearsed, dropping words like 'addiction' and 'rehab' and 'gradual healing process'. Tony let it all wash over him, already planning his escape route out of the hospital.</p><p>He'd barely taken a step outside, his pilfered release papers clutched under his arm, when a sleek, black car pulled up and Jarvis opened the back door with a serious look on his face.</p><p>“Get in.”</p><p>Tony was so shocked to see him that his mouth moved before his brain could catch up. “Dad's dead. Who paid you to get me?”</p><p>Jarvis' nostrils flared. “Anthony Edward Stark, you will get in this car right now.”</p><p>“The full name treatment, ouch,” Tony said half-heartedly but he got in without a fuss, carefully not looking at his former caretaker. His chest already ached enough as it was.</p><p>They drove off and the silence between them was so uncomfortable that Tony seriously contemplated opening the door and jumping out. He was reaching for the door handle when Jarvis cleared his throat.</p><p>“You haven't been back in a long time,” Jarvis said and the compassion in his voice was so familiar that it made the ache in Tony's chest suddenly turn into a sharp pain. There was pressure behind his eyes.</p><p>“I couldn't –“ Tony said, his voice catching embarrassingly in his throat, and he swallowed heavily when he felt Jarvis grab his hand. Tony held on tight, his fingers trembling.</p><p>“It's okay.” Jarvis waited until Tony found the strength to look up at him to give him a tiny smile, squeezing his hand. “It's time to come home, Tony.”</p><p> </p><p>Tony couldn't do this.</p><p>The mansion loomed over him like a ghost, a prison of memories, and he wanted to get the fuck out before he'd even stepped a foot inside. But when Jarvis forced him into the shower and Tony accidentally got a glimpse of his left calf where a third date had appeared above the first – well, it suddenly hit him hard.</p><p>He could've died. He <em>should</em> have died. And Tony had been so hopped up on drugs that he hadn't even noticed his own death coming up.</p><p>After that rehab sounded like the only option he had.</p><p> </p><p>“I won't go.”</p><p>“Tony,” Jarvis sighed, giving him a tired look over the breakfast table. “You said it yourself, you need –“</p><p>“I don't need a fucking clinic to sober me up,” Tony snapped. “And if you think I'll let those bastards pill push me –”</p><p>“You watch your tone, young man,” Jarvis said warningly and Tony rolled his eyes.</p><p>“Whatever. I'm not going to a clinic. I can do it here, cold turkey.”</p><p>Jarvis looked at him silently for long enough that Tony felt the urge to throw his glass across the room before he nodded, his face unreadable. “Alright, Tony. We'll do it your way.”</p><p>It was the shittiest time of Tony's life. He threw up everything he ate or drank and then some, his stomach cramping so hard it made him scream. His head felt fuzzy to the point that he couldn't stand on his own and he scratched his fingers raw on the door leading outside. Jarvis had left nothing in the room that Tony could possibly use to break out but even if he had Tony wasn't in any shape to do more than crawl to the barred windows and break his nails on the hinges. Just the thought of thinking gave him a headache.</p><p>But he got through it. Iron backbone, yadda yadda yadda. To be honest Tony had none of that during that time. It was only Jarvis and his unending patience that got Tony through to the other side. He let Tony scream himself hoarse, beg and cry and swing his fists the way he'd so often seen Howard do. And when Tony was done Jarvis would clean him up, hold him as he sobbed uncontrollably, feed him soup and tuck him into bed.</p><p>Tony didn't deserve such kindness after the way he'd treated Jarvis during those first few weeks and especially not after he hadn't contacted him at all in the months after his parents' deaths. But Jarvis was his rock, unchanging and strong, letting Tony sag into his arms the same way he had ever since he was two years old. Tony didn't know what he would have done without him.</p><p> </p><p>“You look like you've been up for days.”</p><p>Tony snorted, pulling off his shades with a practiced smirk. “It's cool, J, I slept on the plane.” Jarvis raised an eyebrow and Tony could feel his lips twist into a real smile as he drew him into a hug, “I missed you, old man.”</p><p>“I missed you too, Tony,” Jarvis said quietly before pulling back to look at him with a critical eye. “You look exhausted. Mr Stane shouldn't pile all of these meetings on you at once.”</p><p>“Obie's just doing his job,” Tony protested, gently pushing Jarvis' hands off his shoulders. “It's fine. I can take care of myself.”</p><p>“Well said, son,” Obie said, stepping out of the car and putting an arm around Tony. “You did a great job out there. Your daddy would be proud.”</p><p>Jarvis nodded curtly. “Mr Stane.”</p><p>“Edwin,” Obie greeted him with a wide grin. “Why the long face? I sent you a message, didn't I? Tony's doing us all proud.”</p><p>“I'm sure he is,” Jarvis said and when Tony looked at him his face betrayed none of the animosity in his voice. “But he's still a growing boy. He needs to rest every now and then.”</p><p>Tony rolled his eyes. “The company's not gonna run itself, J.”</p><p>“With all due respect,<em> Sir,</em> the company shouldn't take priority over your health.”</p><p>“Tony's doing great!” Obie said, clapping Tony on the back. “I remember being his age. That sort of stuff just rolls right off you. Worrying about him would just weigh him down, right, champ?”</p><p>“He just finished his two doctorates and is already heading the R&amp;D department,” Jarvis said coolly. “Excuse me for saying this but I think he's 'weighed down' enough even without me worrying about him.”</p><p>“Yes, hello, just a reminder that I'm here, speaking for myself,” Tony said with a sharp look at both of them that Jarvis met with a disapproving frown.</p><p>“This isn't healthy, Tony. You should –“</p><p>“I'm doing what needs to be done,” Tony snapped, loosening his tie with an angry tug. “You're not the boss of me.”</p><p>“No, that would be you,” Obie said, clapping Tony on the shoulder before turning back towards the car. “Anyway, I'll get going. Nice seeing you, Edwin.”</p><p>“Likewise,” Jarvis said in a tone that clearly meant the opposite.</p><p>Tony rolled his eyes as Obie's driver shut the door. “Jesus, J. What's the deal with you and Obie all of a sudden?”</p><p>Jarvis gave him a look that spoke volumes. “I don't care how much the company might benefit from your presence or how many contracts Mr Stane can squeeze out of these meetings. When it comes down to it you're still in recovery and it's my job to –”</p><p>“What?” Tony cut him off harshly. “To lord this over me until the end of time? I'm fine!”</p><p>“You're clearly not fine,” Jarvis said and Tony threw his hands up.</p><p>“I'm not a child! You need to stop treating me like one!”</p><p>“I will once you stop acting like one,” Jarvis snapped back and Tony stepped forward, getting right in his face.</p><p>“I am <em>not</em> an addict anymore,” he hissed. “I'm moving on. Why won't you fucking let me?”</p><p>Jarvis stared him down for a second before he nodded. “Very well.” He bowed before he turned and went back into the mansion. “I'll bring your afternoon tea to your office, Mr Stark.”</p><p>When Tony apologized later that night, his stomach roiling with guilt, Jarvis just smiled tiredly, letting Tony rest his head in his lap like he had since before Tony knew how to walk.</p><p>“My only wish is for you to be happy,” he said quietly and Tony closed his eyes as Jarvis ran his fingers through his hair. “Remember that, Tony. Never sacrifice your happiness. It's the most valuable thing you have.”</p><p> </p><p>Tony cleaned up his act with the sort of drive he usually put behind machinery and machinery only. A complete system overhaul, flushing out the virus and rebooting the server. By the end of summer he was the best version of himself he had ever been.</p><p>Sixteen days after Tony got his clean bill of health from the same nurse that had given him the rehab pamphlets Jarvis died.</p><p>It was quiet. A stroke in his sleep that Jarvis never woke up from. His wife Ana had found him in the morning and by the time the paramedics arrived it was too late.</p><p>Tony spent the following night staring at a bottle of vodka until he broke and took a sip, relishing the familiar burn down his throat. A moment later he ran to the toilet and threw up the entire contents of his stomach, sobbing into the bowl as it hit him that Jarvis would never be around to help him back on his feet again.</p><p>Tony was truly alone.</p><p> </p><p>“So here we are,” Obie said, unlocking the door to Howard's former SI office. He let Tony walk in first which was both a kindness and a challenge that Tony willingly took, keeping any emotion firmly off his face as he looked around the old-fashioned space he hadn't seen since he was a child.</p><p>He remembered the desk in particular, how he'd had to stand on his tip toes to look over the edge.</p><p>It looked much smaller now.</p><p>“We can get new furniture later on but I thought you might want to keep some of this.” Obie walked around him to pull a thick folder from one of the shelves on the side of the room. “He had his own sorting system so these might take a while to get through.”</p><p>“Conjunction and relevance,” Tony mumbled as he walked over to the huge leather chair behind the desk. He could almost picture his father, sitting there with a glass of scotch like a permanent fixture in his hand, explaining the importance of keeping things organized.</p><p><em>There's rhyme and reason to it,</em> he'd said, not quite looking at Tony. <em>Every system has its own set of rules. You need to know them so you can break them.</em></p><p>Howard had never been much of a father to Tony but what he'd taught him made more and more sense the older he got. If they'd had the chance to grow into a more mature relationship, to stand on equal footing, maybe they could've –</p><p>“– what do you think, Tony?”</p><p>“Hm?” Tony turned to find Obie looking expectantly at him and gave him a rueful smile. “Sorry. Lost in thought.”</p><p>Obie shook his head with an amused sigh. “We'll have to do something about that, boy. Can't have you zoning out on the board. They don't like that very much.”</p><p>Tony tried to smile but it must've looked as tense as it felt because Obie frowned, running a hand over his bald head before he dropped a ring of keys on the desk.</p><p>“I'll give you a couple hours to sort through all this. If you need anything just call the front desk, they know what to do.”</p><p>Tony nodded and Obie gave him one last sympathetic look before he left the room, pulling the door shut behind him. He waited until Obie's footsteps disappeared down the hall before he looked back at the chair, hating the mess of feelings that the sight evoked in him. The lingering resentment and grief, that feeling of betrayal he couldn't shake because <em>why didn't you tell me?</em></p><p>Without allowing himself the time to hesitate Tony pulled the chair back from the table and sat down heavily, old leather creaking under his weight. The office looked different from this angle. Smaller maybe.</p><p>He tapped his fingers on the mahogany before he picked up the keys and opened the first drawer to his right, pulling out the documents on top. His vision blurred and it took him a moment to notice that it was because his fingers started trembling as soon as he realized what he was looking at.</p><p>Schematics.</p><p>Guns mostly. Bombs. Tony leafed through them, noting the brilliance in their sleek designs, the beauty of an idea not yet perfected, like a raw diamond waiting to be shaped. But Tony could also see room for improvement and better yet – he knew he could do it. Make them better.</p><p>Tony had built his first circuit board at four, his first engine at six. He'd spent hours in the workshop, the only neutral space he and Howard had carved out for themselves. His father had made him capable in a way that Tony wouldn't have been able to on his own.</p><p><em>We would have been amazing together,</em> Tony couldn't help but think and it was bittersweet, an old wound not yet healed, one that would probably stay with him forever. He would never know what heights they could have reached.</p><p>But he could do this. Howard had laid the groundwork and Tony would pick up what he'd thrown down. He might break his neck doing it but he knew in his heart that he'd succeed. And even if he didn't Obie wouldn't let him fall.</p><p>Tony cleared out the desk one drawer at the time, carefully reading through each and every one of Howard's ideas. Then he grabbed the metal trashcan from under the desk and pushed it into the middle of the room, stuffing it to the brim with Howard's schematics and throwing his lighter on top.</p><p>He pressed the intercom. “Defcon one. Anyone there?”</p><p>The line crackled.</p><p>“Stacy Watts, front desk, how may I help you?”</p><p>“Hey, Stacy,” Tony said. “If the fire alarm goes off tell everyone to stay calm. It's just me.”</p><p>“I'm... sorry, what?”</p><p>Tony grabbed one more handful of paper and tossed it into the flames, watching it go up in smoke. “Would you take a message for Obie?”</p><p>“What – um. What kind of message, Sir?”</p><p>Tony dumped the rest of the schematics into the bin and looked at the empty desk. “Bring a sledgehammer. We're redecorating.”</p><p> </p><p>Of course he thought about it a lot. His death. The impossibility of having survived it. And as with all things that Tony didn't understand he began obsessing over it.</p><p>Every hour that wasn't spent in R&amp;D, doing press conferences or sitting through meetings, he spent researching death dates. There were tons of abnormalities, people born without dates, people born with multiples, people dying at an earlier date than the one marked on their skin. But never in the history of documentation had there been a case reported of someone surviving their final death. And especially not gaining new ones over time.</p><p>So Tony dug deeper, into mythology and religion, and still came up blank. Nobody had even the slightest clue where death dates came from and the few explanations he found were absolute horseshit. Even in the realm of the spiritual there wasn't a single account that talked about someone surviving their death date. Twice.</p><p>So Tony looked into his hospital files, digging through every secure server he could get his hands on. Apparently nobody had registered Tony's additional death dates, probably a parting gift from his parents who would've rather died – hah! – than let the public know about the anomaly that was their son. The only possible connection he had between his two deaths was the simple fact that both times his heart had stopped beating at some point.</p><p>It was a long shot but Tony didn't have a better explanation. And he wasn't so desperate for an answer that it would have justified trying to temporarily stop his own heart to test his theory. Although he <em>had</em> thought about it.</p><p>Tony's only saving grace was that now that both his parents and Jarvis were dead nobody but him knew about his little secret. Tony Stark, Merchant of Death. The man who survived. Funny how that worked.</p><p> </p><p>“You're drinking again.”</p><p>Tony looked up to smirk at Rhodey who was wearing Tony's favorite Frown-of-Disapproval™. “Astute observation, Captain.”</p><p>“You know it's Colonel,” Rhodey said irritatedly, snatching the glass of whiskey out of Tony's hand. “And you're supposed to make a speech later, not trip off the stage. Again.”</p><p>“Oh come on, lighten up, sour patch,” Tony slurred, patting Rhodey's cheek and getting his hand slapped for his trouble. “I'm not even drunk.”</p><p>“You're barely standing,” Rhodey hissed, glancing around to see if anyone was paying attention to them. “I'll get you a cab.”</p><p>“I'm fine,” Tony said but a small shove from a passing guest almost made him fall over. “Whoops, sorry, honey. Hey, you're hot. I should get your number.”</p><p>The woman giggled and Rhodey sighed, pinching his nose. “You can't keep doing this, Tony.”</p><p>“What?” Tony held a hand up to his ear. “I couldn't hear you over all the fun I'm having.”</p><p>“Tony, I swear to –“</p><p>“Tony!”</p><p>Tony turned around, flinging his arms wide with a giant grin. “Obie! Hey, where's your glass? You should be drinking!”</p><p>Obie laughed. “I'll leave that to you, buster. Although –“ His smile dimmed slightly. “Maybe you should slow down a little. Wouldn't want to crash the party, would we?”</p><p>“Course not.” Tony grabbed another shot from a passing waiter and downed it in one go, slamming the glass down on the nearest table. He grinned at Rhodey's disapproving look. “Last one, I promise.”</p><p>“That's what you said about the last one,” Rhodey said drily and Tony waved him off.</p><p>“Aah, drunk, shmunk. Hey, that rhymed!”</p><p>“That's the whole point of saying it, you dumbass.”</p><p>Tony gave Rhodey finger guns as he spun away and staggered over to the buffet table to get a snack. He might have reached it too if the unsteady floor hadn't tripped him up and right into someone's back.</p><p>“Umpf,” Tony said eloquently as his face got smushed against expensive fabric before he righted himself, swaying a little on his feet. “Whoops! Sorry, wow, you're tall. Is that Gucci?”</p><p>“Mr. Stark,” Stone-face McGee said with a tight frown that almost rivaled Rhodey's in its intensity. Dude was pretty enough though.</p><p>“That's me!” Tony pointed at himself with a cheerful grin, clasping the man's shoulder for balance. “I don't think we've had the pleasure. Wow, muscles! You work out?”</p><p>Before he could properly cop a feel his hand was pushed off as the guy stared at him with something like barely concealed disgust in his eyes. “Don't touch me.”</p><p>Huh. That was a lot more direct than Tony was used to. “Wow, unclench your cheeks, shnookums. It's a party, you're supposed to enjoy yourself.”</p><p>“I was,” the guys said coolly. “Be on your way and I'll get right back to it.”</p><p>Tony wrinkled his nose. “Yikes. Did I fuck you and forget about it?”</p><p>The guy scoffed but didn't say anything. Tony looked around him at the people he was with and found several familiar faces glaring at him.</p><p>“Ooh,” Tony said, his mouth twisting into a grin. “Mr Hunter, Metcalfe. Long time no see.”</p><p>“Mr Stark,” Metcalfe said flatly and Tony laughed as he turned back to the guy.</p><p>“So you're a hippie, huh? Do veggies give you muscles? I should get on that.”</p><p>The guy did not look amused. “I wouldn't expect someone like you to understand the importance of our organization.”</p><p>“'Someone like me', huh?” Tony repeated, his grin turning sharp at the edges. “And why's that?”</p><p>The guy opened his mouth but Metcalfe put a hand on his shoulder, shaking his head subtly before he turned to Tony.</p><p>“With all due respect, Mr Stark, I think you should call it a night. If you'd excuse us.”</p><p>Tony glared after them, swaying a little on his feet. “I fund those intellicrops you like so much, you know?”</p><p>Hot guy gave him a dirty look but before Tony could say anything else a hand came down on his shoulder. He whipped around, stumbling and cursing when the sudden movement threw him off balance.</p><p>“Making friends, are we?” Rhodey asked drily, nodding at hot guy's entourage. “We didn't come here to pick a fight with Greenpeace, you know?”</p><p>“They started it,” Tony said petulantly and Rhodey sighed, his grip tightening on Tony's shoulder.</p><p>“Come on. I'm taking you home.”</p><p>“Bit forward, don't you think?” Tony asked but Rhodey ignored him, giving Obie a nod as he practically dragged Tony out the back door. Obie's eyes followed them and Tony kept his chin high even though it felt like a punch in the gut to see his mentor looking at him with such disappointment. Damn it, this night was supposed to be fun.</p><p>“Happy's gonna take you home,” Rhodey said as he shoved Tony into the car and buckled him in like a child. Tony just let it happen, staring at the seat in front of him.</p><p>“Hey, Rhodey?” he asked quietly. Rhodey gave him an expectant look.</p><p>
  <em>Am I a good person?</em>
</p><p>“Never mind,” Tony said and Rhodey sighed, patting Tony's thigh as he pulled away.</p><p>“Get some sleep. And water.”</p><p>Tony gave him a mock salute and Rhodey slammed the door shut, exchanging some words with Happy before he went back inside, not sparing Tony a glance. Happy got in the driver's seat with a grunt, turning on the radio and revving the engine.</p><p>“Had a good night, boss?”</p><p>Tony snorted where he leaned against the window, relishing the cool touch of the glass on his aching temple. “Yeah. Sure.”</p><p>Happy pulled out of the garage right as November Rain came on the radio.</p><p>“You know, the Colonel said to head straight home but.” Happy glanced at him in the rearview mirror. “He didn't say anything about stopping for burgers.”</p><p>Tony closed his eyes with a smile, thinking not for the first time that he should give Happy a raise.</p><p>“Sure. Let's stop for burgers.”</p><p> </p><p>Tony couldn't stop touching the wires, gripping the place where he could still feel the shrapnel sinking into his flesh. He couldn't catch his breath.</p><p>“Is it your death day today?”</p><p>“What?” Tony asked breathlessly, looking up at the man – Yinsen? – who was frowning at him. “No, that was...” <em>yesterday.</em></p><p>Tony realized his mistake mid-sentence, snapping his mouth shut and cursing himself six ways to Sunday. God fucking damn it.</p><p>“Was?” Yinsen asked and Tony laughed awkwardly, hoping that he didn't look as panicked as he felt.</p><p>“I'm – sorry, I'm not... <em>here</em> yet. Where are we anyway?”</p><p>Yinsen's frown only deepened as he stepped closer, ignoring Tony's weak attempt at batting him away to pull up Tony's pant leg. Tony could see the exact moment Yinsen realized what he was looking at because his eyes widened dramatically.</p><p>“That bad?” Tony asked, feeling cold sweat break out on the back of his neck. This wasn't supposed to happen. He didn't even know if this guy was an enemy or not.</p><p>Yinsen looked up at him and Tony could see the fear underneath his stoic demeanor. “What are you?”</p><p>Tony tried to smile. “Human I hope.”</p><p>“Humans don't have this many deaths.”</p><p>Tony sighed. “Look, I don't know, okay? I think I get a new one every time my heart stops beating but I have no idea why.”</p><p>“Fascinating,” Yinsen said, now with a glint of curiosity in his eyes. He looked down again, studying the marks. “You may wish to pray tonight, Mr Stark.”</p><p>Tony frowned. “Why?”</p><p>Yinsen looked up at him in a way that made Tony's skin crawl. “Because your next death is today.”</p><p> </p><p>Thirteen times. They killed him thirteen times before he agreed to build their weapons. Each time Tony looked at his leg, tears in his eyes when he realized that it wasn't over. He still wasn't done. Twice he woke up to find the exact same date repeated on his leg and lay awake all night, terrified, waiting for them to come and finally stop his heart for good. But he always pulled through.</p><p>It took thirteen deaths for him to complete the arc reactor and stabilize his heart enough for his next date to get pushed back a couple of months.</p><p>“Is it working?” Yinsen asked and Tony grinned wearily, pulling up his pant leg to show him the date. Yinsen nodded grimly. “I must say, you've outdone yourself with this, Mr Stark.”</p><p>“Oh, you haven't seen anything yet,” Tony said, arranging his plans to show Yinsen what he had been working on. Yinsen whistled.</p><p>“Impressive.”</p><p>“You know what the best thing is?”</p><p>Yinsen looked up at him. “What?”</p><p>“I know that it'll work. Because of this,” Tony said, tapping his most recent death date. He gave Yinsen a manic grin. “We're getting out of here.”</p><p>Yinsen got a strange look in his eyes for a moment before he smiled, putting a hand on Tony's shoulder. “I'm counting on it.”</p><p>In hindsight Tony should've known. For all their talk about death dates Yinsen had never shown him his.</p><p> </p><p>It didn't surprise him that his next date was only a short time away. Tony was hunting terrorists in a weaponized metal suit, someone was bound to blow him up at some point. And having already forfeited his life in that cave he'd never really expected to make it through this in one piece.</p><p>It was a rough wake-up call when he got attacked in his own home rather than the Afghan desert by none other than his closest confidant. And people wondered why Tony had trust issues.</p><p>(Nobody wondered why Tony had trust issues.)</p><p>He'd died before but this was the first time that he was absolutely sure he wasn't going to make it. Obie had literally ripped out his heart, there was no way he'd make it back this time.</p><p>But he did. Again.</p><p>If he was still alive after this he was going to build DUM-E a shrine.</p><p> </p><p>“Tony Stark not... <em>not</em> recommended?” Tony read, giving Fury an astonished look. “That doesn't make any sense! How can you approve me but not approve <em>me?”</em></p><p>Fury looked less than impressed and Tony felt indignation rise in him.</p><p>“I got a new ticker, I'm trying to do right by Pepper, I'm in a stable...ish relationship...”</p><p>Fury just kept staring at him and Tony threw his hands up in exasperation.</p><p>“Oh, come on! You obviously want Iron Man. I'm Iron Man!“</p><p>“You have secrets, Stark. And I don't like it.”</p><p>Tony gave him an incredulous look. “Seriously? You're the master of fucking spies and you don't like that I have <em>secrets?”</em></p><p>“Did you know,” Fury continued, utterly unfazed by Tony's mounting temper. “That it's a requirement for all agents of SHIELD to disclose their death dates?”</p><p>Tony raised an eyebrow although he could feel dread pooling in his gut. “Is that even legal?”</p><p>“It's protocol,” Fury said, getting up to walk around the table. “And yet when Agent Romanoff compiled this file on you she couldn't find the information in any of your systems.”</p><p>“That's because I'm better than you,” Tony said with a saucy grin. Fury just glared at him.</p><p>“If you want me to even consider letting you in on this operation you need to disclose your death date. That's non-negotiable.”</p><p>Tony smirked, leaning back in his seat and crossing his arms. “No can do. Sorry, Nicky.”</p><p>Fury eyed him for a moment longer before he seemed to come to a conclusion. “Well, that leads me to believe that this juncture would only like to use you as a consultant.”</p><p>The words burrowed under his skin in a way they wouldn't have if Tony had expected this. He'd fucking saved the day not even a week ago and that still didn't make him qualified for Fury's little boy band? Fuck that shit.</p><p>But Tony wouldn't be Tony if he didn't know how to play it off. So he stood, holding out a hand for Fury to shake and giving him his best business smile.</p><p>“You can't afford me.”</p><p>He walked by Agent Romanoff as he left the room, nodding at her with a sharp smirk that she didn't return, donning his sunglasses and swanning out with a flourish.</p><p>Tony Stark not recommended? He'd make Fury eat those words.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The guy Tony was talking to at the party was a member of Greenpeace. Robert Hunter and Ben Metcalfe are two of the founders.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Wow, I'm late. Sorry guys, I've completely sucked at time management these past few weeks so I've just been scrambling to keep up with real life deadlines. I thought I'd have more time to write fanfic but I just couldn't scrounge up the energy. I'm really sorry that this took so long but here it finally is, the third chapter. I can't promise that the last one will be out by next Friday but I'll try my best. If not I'll get it out as soon as possible. Thank you so much for reading and I'll see you in the next one! Have a nice day/night wherever you are &lt;3</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“So you do this whole lightning show? Thunder raineth down on thee, the wrath of god and all that?”</p><p>The Norse god – fucking <em>Norse god,</em> what even was Tony's life – narrowed his eyes. “Do you jest, Man of Iron?”</p><p>“Nah, just making conversation.” Tony tapped his metal thighs, looking over at where Captain America – again, what the hell – was strapped into the seat across from him. “And you with the shield. I thought they exaggerated that shit in the comics but apparently not. Congrats.”</p><p>A strange look crossed the Captain's face. “Comics?”</p><p>“Movies, books, phone cases, you name it, they've got it.” Tony winked sleazily. “I'm partial to the thongs myself.”</p><p>The Captain looked like he was going to ask before he seemed to think better of it, looking down at his hands with a blank expression.</p><p>“Thongs?” Thor asked instead and Tony smirked before a smack over the head made him hiss in pain.</p><p>“It's a type of underwear,” Romanoff said, giving Tony a warning glare that Tony returned with a smarmy grin. “And if you say anything I will castrate you.”</p><p>“Sharing is caring, Romanoff,” Tony said, tapping his fingers on his metal crotch. “You show me yours, I'll show you mine.”</p><p>“I don't want to see your thong,” she deadpanned and Tony laughed.</p><p>“Good, cause I'm not wearing any. Ruins the lines of my suit.” Tony leaned over to Thor and stage-whispered. “Can't risk chaffing, you know?”</p><p>Thor frowned at him. “No, I do not know.”</p><p>“Is it really necessary to keep talking about this?” the Captain asked with just a hint of that authoritarian bark that always brought Tony's hackles up. God knew he got enough of that from Howard.</p><p>“No, probably not,” Tony said, raising an eyebrow. “That's what small talk is though, isn't it?”</p><p>“This is small talk?” the Captain asked dubiously and Romanoff sighed.</p><p>“Please don't take Stark as an example of twenty-first century behavior. He defies all norms.”</p><p>Tony smirked. “Aw, am I that special? I'm flattered.”</p><p>Romanoff and the Captain both ignored him but luckily Tony still had a captive audience of one.</p><p>“Anyway, you know Fury's gonna want you for our secret boyband, right? He'll probably throw in dental if you ask nicely.”</p><p>“Secret boyband,” Thor repeated with a deep furrow in his brow. “Why is it that you speak in riddles, Man of Iron?”</p><p>Tony looked at Romanoff and rolled his eyes, pointing a thumb at Thor. “Sheesh. Can you believe this guy?”</p><p>“Don't provoke the Norse god, Stark,” the Captain said flatly and then made a face like he couldn't believe he'd just said that. Tony laughed.</p><p>“Wow, we are so far out of our league.”</p><p>“Speak for yourself,” Romanoff said coolly and Tony snorted.</p><p>“Oh yeah. I bet your resume says wrangler of gods and unicor–”</p><p>“We're here,” the Captain interrupted him, getting out of his seat and marching over to their prisoner who was sitting quietly, his hands bound behind his back. Loki glared defiantly but didn't resist when the Captain pulled him to his feet. Tony narrowed his eyes.</p><p>“Something's off,” Romanoff said under her breath, voicing his thoughts.</p><p>“He hasn't made a single peep since we brought him in,” he said, watching as the Captain led their godly cargo out of the jet. “I don't like it.”</p><p>Romanoff nodded before she followed the Captain outside and Tony waved Thor through with an overly gallant gesture that the god completely ignored. Just before their group reached the door to SHIELD headquarters the Captain turned around.</p><p>“Agent Romanoff, if you would. Stark, a word?”</p><p><em>Already?</em> Tony thought as Romanoff took over, grabbing Loki by the arm to lead him into his cell. He briefly thought about running away but if the Captain was half as stubborn as Tony suspected he was it wouldn't do him any good in the long run.</p><p>“Well, here I am,” Tony said once they were alone, spreading his arms. “Make it snappy, Cap. I'm probably late to something already.”</p><p>“We can't afford reckless actions like today,” the Captain said without preamble, his eyes hard as he stared Tony down. “When I tell you to wait for orders I need to know that you will. I've been appointed as team leader and I expect you to respect that position.”</p><p>Tony rolled his eyes. “Seriously? It turned out okay, didn't it?”</p><p>“By pure chance. You won't always be so lucky.”</p><p>Tony frowned. “You think I left it to chance? How stupid do you think I am?”</p><p>The Captain said nothing which was answer enough.</p><p>“I run calculations,” Tony said drily. “And I base my actions off percentages. If I'd waited any longer to follow them out of the plane they would've gotten away.”</p><p>“You said your plan was 'Attack',” the Captain said flatly and Tony scoffed.</p><p>“I don't have to explain myself to you.”</p><p>The Captain's eyes narrowed. “That's not how a team works, Stark.”</p><p>“Not my problem if you can't keep up.”</p><p>The Captain looked at him for a long moment before he breathed out heavily, his eyes shadowed with something like disappointment. “Your father never followed orders either. I guess it runs in the family.”</p><p>Tony's blood ran cold. There was a faint ringing in his ears as his lips twisted into a mean smirk.</p><p>“Lots of things run in my family,” he said slowly. “Lucky for me a baseless admiration for engineered soldiers is not one of them.”</p><p>The Captain's face twisted in anger but Tony didn't give him the chance to say anything, putting down his face plate as he turned to walk away. It didn't quite feel like a victory.</p><p> </p><p>“So. Wormholes are real.”</p><p>Admittedly not his best conversation starter but at least it made Rogers look up from his sketchbook. With an unpleasant frown, sure, but what else was new. “Stark.”</p><p>“Captain,” Tony replied and something in Rogers' face wavered for a second before the soldier took a deep breath and put down his pen.</p><p>“Steve, please.”</p><p>Tony tilted his head.</p><p>“I'm sorry,” Rogers said and that was even more surprising. “I was unfair to you. What you did today...” He seemed to hesitate for a moment as if he was carefully picking his words. “That was incredibly brave. Not many could've done what you did.”</p><p>Tony's fingers twitched with the urge to scratch at his calf where his most recent date burned under his skin. Was it really that brave to throw your life away when you knew that it was going to end?</p><p>Then again he'd survived, so.</p><p>“We started out on the wrong foot,” Rogers continued, looking at Tony with a somber expression. “I hope you'll forgive me for what I said on the helicarrier. It was uncalled for.”</p><p>Tony raised an eyebrow. “What, you're not gonna tell me you didn't mean it?”</p><p>To Tony's endless delight Rogers actually smiled at that. “My mother didn't raise a liar.”</p><p>“Looks like she raised a smartass.” Rogers chuckled and Tony couldn't help but smile, toasting him with his whiskey. “Careful. You keep that up and we might actually get along, Rogers.”</p><p>“Steve,” Rogers corrected him. “Please. I really want to start over.”</p><p>Tony mustered him for a moment longer before he nodded, waving over his shoulder as he left. “Whatever makes you happy, Cap.”</p><p>He could hear Steve snort behind him. “Thanks, Mr Stark.”</p><p>Tony paused, turning back to give Steve a small smile as he walked away. “It's Tony. Don't make me feel older than I have to.”</p><p> </p><p>The next time Tony died came as a surprise.</p><p>Not because he hadn't seen the date – he was intensely aware of it as he was with all of them – but because this time it could have been totally avoided.</p><p>“What the hell were you thinking?” Pepper screeched, pacing the length of his hospital bed as she glared daggers at Tony. “Three fractures, Tony, <em>three!”</em></p><p>“One less than last time,” he said unthinkingly and winced at the withering glare Pepper sent his way. “Alright, sorry, not cool.”</p><p>“Do you have any idea –“ She choked on a sob and Tony raised his hands in alarm.</p><p>“Hey, no, it's okay! I'm fine!”</p><p>Pepper laughed tearfully and Tony's heart sank at the almost desperate note in it. “No, nothing is fine. You could have<em> died,</em> Tony!”</p><p><em>Should</em> have died. Tony shook his head. “I didn't though, did I?”</p><p>“I can't do this,” Pepper said just a little hysterically, putting a hand to her mouth as she all but fled the room.</p><p>“Pep!” Tony called after her but she was already gone. He let his head fall back against the pillow with a sigh, cursing when it aggravated his headache. Fucking concussions.</p><p>“So that went well.”</p><p>Tony glared at Rhodey who was sitting in the other visitor's chair, munching on an apple. Rhodey held up his hand.</p><p>“Hey, just stating facts.”</p><p>Tony scoffed as he laid back down, wincing when the movement pulled at his sore chest. He rubbed a hand over his sternum.</p><p>“Nat's the one that did it.”</p><p>Tony looked up at Rhodey who was giving him a serious look. “Did what?”</p><p>“Replace the reactor.”</p><p>Tony jolted, hissing at the sudden stab of pain. Rhodey was on his feet in an instant, reaching for him, but Tony waved him away with a cough. “M'fine. She did what?”</p><p>“You don't remember?” Rhodey sat back down, his brow furrowed with worry. “Some SHIELD agent used an EMP because she didn't think you were in range. The arc shorted out. Steve carried you to medical.”</p><p>Tony grimaced. “He did, did he.”</p><p>“I did.”</p><p>Tony whipped around to find Steve standing in the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest and a frown on his face. </p><p>“Well, thank you,” Tony said warily when Steve didn't elaborate. “I'm fine now, you don't have to –“</p><p>“I didn't know it could break like that,” Steve cut him off, glaring straight at him, and Tony found it surprisingly hard to hold his gaze. “Your file says that you used to have trouble with the reactor but that the issue was fixed. Why didn't you tell me that this was a potential risk?”</p><p>Tony opened his mouth to answer but Steve wasn't done.</p><p>“We're a team now, Tony! If there's something that can hurt you like this I need to know about it!”</p><p>“Huh.” Tony honestly didn't know what possessed him to say it but – “Passion fruit.”</p><p>Steve paused. “What?”</p><p>“I'm allergic.” Tony awkwardly gestured at his body. “To passion fruit. So... don't put them in anything around the tower. I guess.”</p><p>Rhodey facepalmed but Steve shifted with an unreadable expression on his face.</p><p>“I don't know what that is.”</p><p>Tony blinked. “Huh?”</p><p>“Passion fruit.” Steve frowned. “I've never had it.”</p><p>“Oh.” Tony scratched his head. “Well, then we won't have a problem, right?”</p><p>The silence that stretched between them was as awkward as it was tense.</p><p>Rhodey sighed and got up, throwing away his apple core. “Well, I'll leave you guys to it. Keep an eye on him, Captain?”</p><p>“Of course,” Steve said and Tony saw his arm twitch as if he was about to salute before he reigned it in. Tony rolled his eyes.</p><p>“He's not your superior, you know?”</p><p>“You shut up,” Rhodey said as he walked out of the room, patting Steve on the shoulder as he left. “Take care of him, Cap.”</p><p>Steve nodded solemnly and Tony groaned. “Fuck's sake! Just ask him for an autograph!”</p><p>Rhodey gave him the finger right as he pulled the door shut while Steve looked on in confusion.</p><p>“Autograph?”</p><p>“Yeah, he's a fan.” Tony grinned. “I bet he still has the shield. He was you for Halloween in college.”</p><p>“Stop sabotaging me!” Rhodey shouted from beyond the door and Tony snorted, throwing back the flimsy hospital covers to get out of his bed. He didn't get very far before Steve pushed him back down.</p><p>“What the hell, Cap?”</p><p>“You're injured,” Steve said, sitting down in the chair next to Tony's bed with a determined frown. “You could open your stitches. Stay down.”</p><p>“Wow,” Tony drawled with a lazy grin. “If you're gonna boss me around at least buy me dinner first.”</p><p>Steve flushed but didn't look away. “Maybe I will. I've been wanting to get to know you better anyway.”</p><p>Tony choked on air before he started coughing uncontrollably. Steve was there immediately, patting him on the back until Tony managed to pull himself together.</p><p>“Fucking hell,” Tony said hoarsely. “Warn a guy, will you?”</p><p>“Something I said?” Steve asked a little too innocently and Tony was startled to see his eyes twinkle with amusement underneath the worry.</p><p>“You little shit,” Tony said and to his surprise Steve only smiled at the insult.</p><p>“But seriously, I feel like I've never seen you outside of work. I'd like to have dinner sometime. Maybe Clint and Natasha will want to come along.”</p><p>He said it so sincerely that Tony couldn't even poke fun at him for it. Tony sighed, leaning back against his pillow to settle in for the long haul.</p><p>“Sure. That sounds nice.”</p><p> </p><p>When they eventually had dinner it was better than Tony expected. Steve held the door open for him and Tony teased him about it for the rest of the night, mentally keeping a tally of how many times he could shock Steve into a blush. The number was surprisingly low.</p><p>Natasha and Clint had the kind of buddy cop energy that was hard to emulate unless you'd already been through hell together. Bruce was unsurprisingly quiet but once Tony got him talking about his latest project he joined in readily enough, matching Tony's wit blow for blow.</p><p>And Steve was funny. Tony wasn't prepared for just how much he would enjoy the way Steve thought, so much so that it was almost midnight before he realized that they'd spent the entire time talking about everything and nothing.</p><p>There were few people in Tony's life who he had felt so instantly connected with. But these assholes right here?</p><p>Tony thought they really had something.</p><p> </p><p>It was Clint who noticed it first and being the asshole that he was he didn't even try to hide his reaction.</p><p>“Holy fuck! Dude, your <em>leg!”</em></p><p>Tony froze, still clutching a bottle of wine in one hand. His ankles burned as he suddenly realized that he wasn't wearing socks under his pants. Shit fucking damn i– </p><p>“Yeah,” Steve sighed. “Before you ask, I don't know why either.”</p><p>Tony whipped around, eyes snapping down and –</p><p>Steve's sweatpants had ridden up just far enough that Tony could see his mark.</p><p>Well, marks. Multiple.</p><p>Holy shit.</p><p>“A second death,” Steve said with a wry smile. “I don't know if I'm lucky or cursed.”</p><p>“That's fucking wild, dude. When did you – oh.” Clint must've spotted the first date at the exact same moment Tony had. Tony's mouth suddenly felt very dry. “Shit, man. I'm sorry.”</p><p>Steve waved him off, leaning back on the couch. “It's fine. Honestly the doctors were surprised I'd make it that long with all of the illnesses I had.” He shrugged. “I knew I'd die young. Thought I'd at least make it count for something.”</p><p>“They said you were in a suspended state for all those years,” Tony said, feeling a little ill at the thought. “No one mentioned that you actually <em>died</em>.”</p><p>Steve just shrugged again, a bit too nonchalantly for Tony's tastes. “Well, I'm here now, aren't I?”</p><p>“Still,” Tony protested but Steve silenced him with a look.</p><p>“It's a second chance,” he said seriously. “I thought I would die in my twenties and now I'll probably live to see eighty.” His lips twitched. “Even subtracting the years I spent in the ice that counts as two lifetimes for me. God gave me the time to try and work towards a better future. The how and why is irrelevant.”</p><p>“Were you –” Tony cut himself off but Steve still turned to look at him.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Tony swallowed. “Were you born with them? Both of them?”</p><p>Steve frowned. “Just the first one. Why?”</p><p>“Just wondering.” Tony rubbed his hands over his thighs, trying to hide his internal screaming. Dozens of records, hours of research but he'd never heard of anyone who had – just like him – “It's not like you see that every day, you know?”</p><p>He could practically feel Clint's admonishing glare but it didn't sting the way Steve's face going carefully blank did.</p><p>“Yeah. I guess.”</p><p>Tony sighed, rubbing a hand across his face. “Sorry, it's not a big deal. Lots of people have weird dates. My girlfriend in college had three.”</p><p>“Really?” Clint asked dubiously. “How did that work?”</p><p>Tony shrugged. “No idea. I know she survived the first one.” He chuckled. “She used to say her soul fucked the grim reaper to get another go.”</p><p>“That's crass,” Steve said but he sounded almost a little relieved. “So it's talked about more these days?”</p><p>Clint snorted. “Well, we don't call you Satan's children and burn you on stakes anymore so there's that.”</p><p>“I'm not that old, Clint,” Steve said with a tiny furrow in his brow. “We just didn't talk about it. I only ever heard about it in ghost stories. Someone told me that multiple deaths meant your soul was split and would go to heaven piece by piece.”</p><p>Tony looked at him silently for a moment before he wrinkled his nose. “You know, science probably has a much more plausible explanation than religion.”</p><p>Steve rolled his eyes. “I'm sure it does.”</p><p>It didn't. But Steve didn't need to know that.</p><p>Clint snorted. “Oh please. As if any of us will live to see our actual d-day.”</p><p>Steve gave him an admonishing look. “Don't say that.”</p><p>“What? It's true.” Clint shrugged carelessly. “In this line of work you're lucky if you get to see tomorrow. My date says I'll die in my seventies, can you believe that? Fucking optimists.”</p><p>“Well, no one knows how this works and bad weeds grow tall.” Tony toasted him with his wine bottle. “I think you have a chance.”</p><p>Clint flipped him off but Steve frowned.</p><p>“No one knows how it works? Still?”</p><p>Tony shrugged. “No. There are lots of theories though.”</p><p>“We had those in my time too.”</p><p>“Well, we have better ones.”</p><p>Steve raised an eyebrow. “Really now?”</p><p><em>No.</em> “Probably.”</p><p>Clint groaned, stretching his back as he stood up from the couch. “Okay, this is getting too philosophical for me. Later, losers.”</p><p>“You sure?” Tony asked as he watched Clint leave. “I was thinking pizza and beer.”</p><p>“Pour one out for me,” Clint said over his shoulder, raising his hand in goodbye.</p><p>“Sleep well, Clint,” Steve said and Tony hummed, letting his head thump back against the couch.</p><p>“Well, Jarvis, you know what to do.”</p><p>“Of course, Sir. One quattro stagioni and two orders of pizza sticks. Would you like me to place an order for you as well, Captain?”</p><p>Steve looked up at the ceiling, a habit that Tony hadn't broken him out of yet. “Yes, please. What's on the menu?”</p><p>“Literally anything you want,” Tony answered for Jarvis, giving Steve a lazy grin. “J can pull shit from anywhere. You ever had deep-fried cheese curds?”</p><p>“That sounds awful,” Steve said. “I'll try it.”</p><p>Tony laughed, waving a hand at Jarvis' main camera. “Put it on the list, J. Anything else, Cap? You know what, just throw in an extra pepperoni. Someone will eat it.”</p><p>“Very well, Sir.”</p><p>Tony tapped his fingers on the couch. “You don't have any weird food things, right?”</p><p>Steve raised an eyebrow. “Food things?”</p><p>“Oh, you know. Stuff you won't eat or whatever.”</p><p>Steve was silent for long enough that Tony turned his head to look at him. He frowned when he saw the almost troubled expression on Steve's face.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Steve cleared his throat. “Nothing. Sorry.” He smiled wryly. “I used to have lots of allergies. Not anymore though.”</p><p>“Serum?”</p><p>“Mh.”</p><p>Tony hummed. “That's handy.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Steve chuckled. “Maybe I should try passion fruit.”</p><p>Tony froze for a second before he broke out laughing. “Wow, dangling my biggest weakness in front of me like that? For shame, Cap, for shame.”</p><p>Steve grinned, nodding at the TV. “I think I was promised a new show?”</p><p>“Oh yeah. Trust me, Cap, this shit will blow you away.” Tony picked up the remote – he could've let Jarvis do it but Steve still got a little spooked whenever Jarvis controlled the household appliances – and went to his library. “Prepare to be wowed.”</p><p>“Can't wait,” Steve said, smiling at him, and Tony had the sudden thought that he looked adorable like this, hair mussed out of its usual part and his bare feet curled up on the couch. It was nothing like the image his father had always perpetuated of the untouchable soldier, the unwavering beacon of goodness. And it was also so unlike the Steve he'd first met, the stoically cold man out of time who never seemed to trust a single word he was told.</p><p>Tony thought he liked this one better.</p><p> </p><p>“You can't fucking do this!“</p><p>“This isn't a question of whether or not I –“</p><p>“No! Fuck you and your fucking bullshit, I don't answer to you!”</p><p>Tony could practically hear Steve grind his teeth as he followed Tony into his workshop, annoyingly catching the door before it could slam in his face. “I'm your team leader!”</p><p>“Oh, are you? I didn't notice,” Tony snapped. “Not like you remind me of that every ten fucking seconds!”</p><p>“I wouldn't have to if you would just follow my lead!”</p><p>Tony snorted. “Right. And where would I be now if I had done that?”</p><p>“I know where Hawkeye would be,” Steve said bitingly. “Not the medical wing.”</p><p>Guilt twisted hot and sharp in his gut but Tony hid his inner turmoil behind a frown. “That wasn't my fault.”</p><p>“If you had just <em>listened</em> and gone around the back –“</p><p>“You needed me at the front!”</p><p>“That wasn't your call to make!”</p><p>“Yeah well, your call was shit!”</p><p>Steve's hands were trembling with restrained tension where he had balled them into fists at his sides. Tony refused to be intimidated by that. “My call is the only reason we didn't get worse news today.”</p><p>“Um, excuse you, who was the one that disabled the fucking bioweapon?”</p><p>“It was supposed to be Natasha!”</p><p>Tony scoffed. “You know I'm better suited for that kind of thing.”</p><p>“That's not the point!” Steve shouted. “We're a team! When I tell you to do something I need to know that you'll trust my call!”</p><p>“Well tough shit! If your orders are stupid you bet your ass I'm gonna call you out on it!”</p><p>Tony flinched when Steve suddenly punched the wall beside his head. Bits of plaster hit his cheek as he stared wide eyed at Steve who was breathing heavily right in his face.</p><p>“You could have <em>died,</em> Tony,” he said and the words felt heavy in the air between them. “I know you don't value your life much but there are people who do. So for the love of god, stop doing this.”</p><p>The sincere pain in his voice brought a lump to Tony's throat but he swallowed it down. “You would have done the same thing.”</p><p>Steve's eyes narrowed before he closed them with a sigh, rubbing a hand across his face. “Shit. I know. Doesn't mean I have to like it.”</p><p>Tony blinked before his lips twitched up into a smile. “Oh my god.”</p><p>Steve looked up at him with a frown. “What?”</p><p>“You cursed!” Tony said gleefully. “Holy shit, this is huge! I didn't even think you knew how!”</p><p>Steve glared at him but Tony could see that he was trying to fight a smile. “Don't change the subject.”</p><p>“No, this is very relevant, trust me. Clint owes me twenty bucks now.”</p><p>Steve raised an eyebrow. “You bet on me cursing?”</p><p>“Don't blame me. It was Clint's idea.” Tony grinned. “Anyway, thanks, Cap. I'll rub this in his face forever.”</p><p>“You're a paragon of maturity,” Steve deadpanned and Tony laughed.</p><p>“I'll take that as a compliment.” He looked around the room, putting his hands on his hips. “I should get to work.”</p><p>“I wasn't finished,” Steve said and Tony internally sighed, looking up at Steve.</p><p>“I'm sorry, okay? I'll try to be more careful from now on.”</p><p>Steve seemed to hesitate for a moment before he closed his eyes with a defeated sigh. “You wouldn't know careful if it bit you in the ass.”</p><p>Tony let out a startled laugh. “That's twice in one day. Clint owes me double now.”</p><p>Steve smiled. “I don't think that's how it works.”</p><p>“Eh, semantics.” Tony waved him off as he walked over to his workbench, narrowing his eyes at the gauntlet prototype he'd left there. He still couldn't figure out the main connective piece and it was starting to piss him off. He'd have to get it done today.</p><p>“Will you be there for dinner?” Steve asked and Tony shrugged.</p><p>“Probably not. Lots of deadlines to meet. Tomorrow, okay?” Tony waved at Steve over his shoulder. “See you, Cap!”</p><p>Tony picked up the gauntlet, glaring at DUM-E when he rolled over with the fire extinguisher. DUM-E let out a dejected beep before he retreated back to a safe distance, watching as Tony got ready to start soldering the prototype connecto–</p><p>“Why do you make it so hard to know you?”</p><p>Tony almost burned himself with his blowtorch, fumbling it off at the last moment. Steve reached out to steady him but Tony flinched away on instinct, regretting it immediately when he saw Steve's concerned frown.</p><p>“I – what?” he asked and Steve's frown deepened. Shit.</p><p>“I get that you're busy, Tony, but everyone else on the team is, too. Why are you never there for team dinners?”</p><p>“Seriously?” Tony asked, his heart still pounding with adrenaline. “I'm there all the time.”</p><p>“The last time was over two months ago.”</p><p>“Was it?” Actually, that sounded about right. “Wait, why do you know that?”</p><p>Steve looked almost confused by the question. “I notice when you're not there.”</p><p>Okay, that sounded – probably not the way Steve meant it to sound. “That's a bit creepy.”</p><p>“Why?” Steve asked and Tony turned back to his gauntlet.</p><p>“Never mind. Fuck it. I'll be there.”</p><p>For a long moment the only sound in the room was the clanging of metal as Tony got back to work. Then Steve sighed and Tony could hear his retreating footsteps as he walked over to the door.</p><p>“I'll hold you to that. Have fun.”</p><p>Tony hummed, not turning around. As soon as the door closed his shoulders slumped.</p><p>Why did he make it so hard to know him?</p><p>He looked down at his calf, his most recent death date burned into his retinas even though it was covered by dark cloth. Another six months until his life ran out. Again.</p><p>Sure, he'd survived his first eighteen dates, but there had to be a limit to how lucky a person could be. And considering Tony's luck in all other areas of his life...</p><p>Yeah. He wasn't holding his breath.</p><p> </p><p>“Tony!” Steve called out with a wide smile when Tony sauntered into the compound, a heavy box tucked under his arm. “I didn't know you were coming!”</p><p>“I was in the area.” Tony dropped the box on the common room table, waving at the rest of the Avengers who were having lunch in the kitchen. “Hey, guys! Santa is here!”</p><p>“Did he bring us toys?” Natasha asked with a small smile that Tony couldn't help but return.</p><p>“Only if you were good.”</p><p>“Oh, we were really good,” Steve said, peeking into the box. Tony tried hard not to think about how that sounded. “Wow, you really went all out, huh?”</p><p>Tony shrugged. “I was bored.”</p><p>“I can see that.” Steve held up an upgraded version of Natasha's widow bites with a pleased smile. “This is great, Tony, thank you.”</p><p>“Yeah, well,” Tony said vaguely, averting his eyes. “Gotta do my part somehow, right?”</p><p>Steve looked up at him with such an earnest expression that it made Tony's heart twinge. “You always have a spot on the team, you know that.”</p><p>Tony shifted uncomfortably. “I appreciate the thought, Cap, but I'm out. For good.”</p><p>“I know.” Steve didn't sound very convinced. Tony narrowed his eyes.</p><p>“I mean it.”</p><p>“Yeah, I know,” Steve said but Tony could hear the shifty undertone. Tony frowned.</p><p>“Okay, out with it.”</p><p>Steve smiled bashfully. “That obvious, huh?” Tony gave him a look and Steve chuckled. “Okay, fine. We have a mission coming up and we could really use the air support.”</p><p>“Of course.” Tony sighed. “You kids just fall apart when I'm not there, don't you?”</p><p>“We're hopeless,” Natasha deadpanned right beside him, almost giving Tony a heart attack. “Please save us.”</p><p>“Fucking hell,” Tony gasped, clutching his chest. “Make some noise when you move!”</p><p>“Is that a yes?” Steve asked and Tony glared at him for a moment, trying not to show his uneasiness on his face. He couldn't say he hadn't expected something like this, seeing as his next death was only a week away. Of course it would happen on a mission.</p><p>There was no point in running away, experience had proved that. Death always found him either way. And if he had to die Tony would like to at least choose the location himself.</p><p>Something must've given away his resignation because the smile that spread on Steve's face was so radiant Tony almost couldn't look at it. He cleared his throat.</p><p>“Sure, I'll dust off the armor. Sorry if I smell like mothballs when I get there.”</p><p> </p><p>Tony never forgot the sensation of drowning.</p><p>What he had forgotten was just how much the aftermath sucked, when he threw up water and bile that burned like fire from his chest all the way up his throat. How every rasping breath tasted like blood.</p><p>“You're okay, you're good, just keep breathing, Tony, that's the way –“</p><p>Sound trickled in slowly as the rushing in his ears receded and he finally managed to draw a breath that actually felt like it had oxygen in it. Tony coughed, wincing at the pain, and someone spun him around until he was on his side instead of his stomach, giving him more room to breathe.</p><p>“Thanks,” Tony rasped out and the grip on his shoulders tightened.</p><p>“Don't speak,” Steve said in a tight voice that sounded both forceful and painfully fragile. “Just take it easy.”</p><p>An explosion went off somewhere and Tony struggled to look up but Steve pushed his head back down.</p><p>“They'll take care of it. We're almost done anyway.”</p><p>Tony only listened because he'd seen Rhodey shoot the big bad guy before he went down in the water. The rest was clean up and after Ultron Tony knew that there was nothing the world could throw at the Avengers that they wouldn't be able to handle.</p><p>“Why did you do that?” Steve suddenly asked and Tony could hear a thick note in his voice, almost like he was struggling not to cry. “I had it under control. I would've moved if – just – <em>why?”</em></p><p>For a second Tony didn't understand but then he remembered the hit he took, how the last thing he saw before he went under was Steve's eyes, wide in shock and fear –</p><p>“I could've handled them,” Steve said, breathing in shakily. “You didn't have to do that.”</p><p>Tony made a small noise of protest, wincing at the pain in his throat. There had been five men with guns and shields of their own and Steve had looked utterly exhausted after taking out three huge tanks by himself. Only Tony had noticed the sixth man crouched behind a piece of rubble to take aim, right at Steve's head –</p><p><em>I was going to die anyway,</em> Tony thought but even in his head it didn't ring quite true.<em> I wanted my death to mean something,</em> was something he would say if he could speak right now, but that was a fabricated answer.</p><p>In truth the thought of death never even crossed his mind when that energy blast hit him in the chest, hurtling him into open air. He'd only seen Steve, standing tall and alive in the middle of the five men he'd just knocked out and thought <em>thank god</em> –</p><p>“Don't get up,” Steve said when Tony tried to move again. He was still holding Tony down and Tony noticed that his fingers were trembling where he was gripping Tony's arms, so unlike his usual composed self. “I called for help. They're coming.”</p><p>SHIELD doctors, great. Tony internally sighed. He just hoped they left his armor alone this time.</p><p>“I thought I wouldn't make it,” Steve said quietly and Tony's eyes snapped up to his face, only now noticing his dripping wet hair. “You looked dead.”</p><p><em>Was</em> dead, Tony didn't say. He'd learned that lesson the hard way.</p><p>“What were you thinking?” Steve asked but his voice held none of the usual reprimand as he leaned down to wrap his arms around Tony the best he could without jostling him. Tony couldn't feel him through the armor but Steve's closeness still made something in his chest constrict.</p><p>“I can't lose you,” Steve said quietly and it was almost uncomfortable how intimate it felt. Steve seemed to notice it too because he pulled away after only a couple of seconds, clearing his throat. Tony looked up but Steve was looking off to the side, his face unreadable.</p><p>“S'okay,” Tony rasped and Steve's eyes snapped down to meet his. “M'alive.”</p><p>Steve breathed out heavily, looking intently at him through the commotion of the SHIELD medics finally arriving.</p><p>“Yeah. You are.”</p><p> </p><p>The horrible thing was that Tony knew Steve liked him.</p><p>And not in the Hey-I-knew-your-father-let's-be-friends kind of way. Tony could recognize the signs of a crush when he saw them. The secretive looks, the awkward fumbling, the way Steve never seemed to be able to quite look him in the eye when Tony complimented him. As soon as it started Tony knew that their friendship was doomed.</p><p>He couldn't understand<em> why</em> he'd caught the attention of Captain America of all people but even if he could Tony was with Pepper and that was only the first on a long list of reasons why the idea of him and Steve being anything more than friends was hopelessly laughable.</p><p>Not that Steve ever actually did anything. Tony doubted that he was even aware of his own feelings. But it was still baffling that the more Tony tried to pull away the more persistent Steve was to bring him coffee, sit with him in the workshop, ask him to join the team for lunch after missions.</p><p>Tony didn't understand it.</p><p>And as with all things that Tony didn't understand...</p><p>He started obsessing over it.</p>
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